Saturday, February 11, 2006

My kids reprimanded me tonight for the way that I talked to my mother. We had gone for a visit, and she wanted to give us a bag to take stuff away. We did not need a bag, and I told her so. I tried to be polite saying thanks but we don’t need one. She just kept going, "Ok, let me look for the bag." No thanks I say again, we really don’t need one. One more time she pushes for this fucking plastic bag, and I finally get short and snap that we really don’t need a bag. So my kids say this to me, how short I was, with her while we are driving home. They have no idea whats behind this, and I damn straight cant tell them.

I don’t hate her, I know I love her, but god do we have a fucked up relationship. When I was about 14 maybe we started sleeping together. Can’t believe I am writing about this now. She was/is a chronic drunk so it some how happened. I remember the smell of her cigarette and Vodka breath, her thick red lipstick. Makes me sick thinking about it. I used to blame myself that I started it. Believe me, she blamed me too (even in my late 30's when she was drunk she would call me a horny little boy). Talk about selective memory, I remember bits and pieces. I very, very clearly remember the first time. I tried to use my fathers rubbers ( Jesus how discussing) and she said, "No son of mine uses a rubber." I remember one time when I initiated it, she resisted, then moved into my room (she was remarried at the time) to let it happen. Just very fucked up. As a result of this, I have had a volatile relationship with her. I would go wacko at the littlest things. She would be hyper critical of me, and it just became this vicious circle.
It got to the point that I would anticipate a fight with her, I would expect to do battle every time we saw each other. I was looking to make her the villain. Year later, I am more at peace with myself (somewhat) and I tried to be calmer when I am with her. But clearly, I am not as calm as I would like and its apparent even to my kids

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