Monday, February 20, 2006

I have, over the last few months, had some pretty hard core mood swings. I started a new job, the one that was to be my great elixir , but, like most jobs I have had, it has been less than I expected. The job is commission based so it dramatically impacted my income - I was to be making all this money, so I was sold, in a few short months. Did not happen for many different reasons, but the net result was the same - it was impacting me, impacting my wife and my kids. To top off my vocational issue, I dont really like what it is I am doing. I had chosen this to whore myself, to make money. I was not making $ and the company could not figure out how to pay commissions when I did – it just made for a very bad combination. Add this to the mix of my being manic, and it got pretty bad. So what did I do (drum role please) ------I went in search of my old friend porn. I love it and I hate it – I love it as it takes me away this addiction of mine, but I hate it as I really don’t want it – I feel shitty after I have blown my load so to speak. I always promise myself that was the last time – no way in hell will I be doing this again. But I do it time and time again. I do it for two reasons I have come to understand - escape and control. Escape: I escape my problems, my life for that short period of time. Its kind of like being high, nothing else matters,,,,,,,I just surf, and surf away. Time just melts and my problems with it. Control: I search, almost to exclusion, for anal sex pictures. Ass to Mouth to be exact. It dawned on me the other day that this is control. If you think about it, this is really kind of gross, ass to mouth but that is what I look for. It is someone controlling someone else – someone being in total control. This is something I don’t have in my life in any real capacity. Any and all money I make goes to others, my social life driven by my wife so I suffer the husbands of her friends, and I don’t really have any social outlets. So, I have figured out that I need to be able to find some ways to displace my stress, so I can escape and then to find ways to have more control in my life – That is what I want in the next 40 years of my life.

So, the point of this post was that I, as a result of this stress, started taking Lexapro. In the few days that I have been taking this it does seem to have managed my mood swing(s). Could be the placebo effect, I don’t know. What I do know though, is that it has made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to orgasm – I just cant cum. HA the irony of it really if you think about it. The sex addict who cant cum, who cant get his fix. Should be a good thing for me in the short term. We shall see………

Saturday, February 11, 2006

My kids reprimanded me tonight for the way that I talked to my mother. We had gone for a visit, and she wanted to give us a bag to take stuff away. We did not need a bag, and I told her so. I tried to be polite saying thanks but we don’t need one. She just kept going, "Ok, let me look for the bag." No thanks I say again, we really don’t need one. One more time she pushes for this fucking plastic bag, and I finally get short and snap that we really don’t need a bag. So my kids say this to me, how short I was, with her while we are driving home. They have no idea whats behind this, and I damn straight cant tell them.

I don’t hate her, I know I love her, but god do we have a fucked up relationship. When I was about 14 maybe we started sleeping together. Can’t believe I am writing about this now. She was/is a chronic drunk so it some how happened. I remember the smell of her cigarette and Vodka breath, her thick red lipstick. Makes me sick thinking about it. I used to blame myself that I started it. Believe me, she blamed me too (even in my late 30's when she was drunk she would call me a horny little boy). Talk about selective memory, I remember bits and pieces. I very, very clearly remember the first time. I tried to use my fathers rubbers ( Jesus how discussing) and she said, "No son of mine uses a rubber." I remember one time when I initiated it, she resisted, then moved into my room (she was remarried at the time) to let it happen. Just very fucked up. As a result of this, I have had a volatile relationship with her. I would go wacko at the littlest things. She would be hyper critical of me, and it just became this vicious circle.
It got to the point that I would anticipate a fight with her, I would expect to do battle every time we saw each other. I was looking to make her the villain. Year later, I am more at peace with myself (somewhat) and I tried to be calmer when I am with her. But clearly, I am not as calm as I would like and its apparent even to my kids

First post and wondering how this will go -the format that I was thinking of was to have an outlet for my fucked up mind - I have, since I can remember, been struggeling with sex, intimacey, and porn. Direct result of my parents I know, but I am tired of blaming them. I am 40 now, 40 and fucked up that is for sure.

Am I going to get better? Who knows - well actually I am supposed to know right? I have tried, been to support groups, done meetings online, but I keep coming back to porn, to sex to take me away. Its like a glass of Brandy if you will - warm, comfortable, but if you have too much you feel like shit.

So I want to cronel my life, my mind. If anyone reads this, all the better, but this will be a great outlet for me - perhaps to help me get away from the grip of this.